So, I'm feeling very insecure about my life recently. I am in my last semester of college. And I am suddenly insecure. What if's seem to fill my head.
What if I don't get in to grad school?
What if I can't get a job?
What if I'm stuck in Omaha doing "volunteer" work for the rest of my career?
While I realize that occasionally stage managers get paid in community theatre, it usually isn't much/enough.
My thoughts are continually revolving around will I get in to grad school?? What if I don't???
While I do have a back up plan, I am still nervous. I am insecure.
My back up plan is to go back to the local community for yet another associates degree and to work with the local community theatre as an intern. And, of course, apply again to grad schools next year.
I am not comfortable with insecure. I am the one who planned out exactly what classes I was taking each and every semester years in advance. And updated it every semester.
I am not comfortable not knowing. I am not comfortable waiting. I have a huge calendar that I plan everything out in for months and sometimes up to a year in advance.
Spur of the moment is not possible for me. I am not comfortable not knowing what I am doing, when, and where in advance.
I am insecure. And I am NOT happy about it.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Almost a month post-surgery
Well, Wednesday, February 1st is my final post-surgical appointment.
I'm looking to start going back to the gym Wednesday afternoon. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm starting over. I WILL lose weight. I will NOT be a size 16 any more.
Yes, I know, I'm supposed to take it easy and I will I promise. But I am desperate to lose weight. I've already started to watch my diet. Now, I just need to be able to get on the elliptical and use the weight equipment.
I'm looking to start going back to the gym Wednesday afternoon. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm starting over. I WILL lose weight. I will NOT be a size 16 any more.
Yes, I know, I'm supposed to take it easy and I will I promise. But I am desperate to lose weight. I've already started to watch my diet. Now, I just need to be able to get on the elliptical and use the weight equipment.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Post Surgery
OK, so surgery was Friday. It's now Sunday. I have been in bed for 2 days. I'm going a little stir crazy. I was finally able to unwrap the knee today. It doesn't look like it is very swollen, so that is good. I showered and re-wrapped it and put my ice packs back on it.
I have to head to school in a few hours to help with the semester kickoff. I don't know how much help I'm going to be. My main role is going to be to introduce myself and say how excited I am to see everyone's auditions and how much I am looking forward to working with them all. Granted that's all true, but I am kind of in a grouchy mood because my leg hurts and I have to go be Ms. Mary Sunshine. Can someone just make a latex mask that looks like me and go pretend to be me? Can't I just stay in bed?
That comment actually probably makes no sense to my friends that I have been annoying on facebook chat the last couple of days because yesterday I wanted nothing more than to get out of bed and get out of the house. But now, all I want to do is sleep.
You never really think about how difficult it is to be forced to sleep in an unusual position. I'm forced to lie on my back with one leg propped about 12 inches in the air on a stack of pillows. I HATE sleeping on my back. I'm much more comfortable sleeping on my side, but that is more than a little out of the question.
My post-surgery doctor appointment is Wednesday. I am hoping I get the ok to not have to wear the compression bandage any more, at least when I'm sleeping. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
I have to head to school in a few hours to help with the semester kickoff. I don't know how much help I'm going to be. My main role is going to be to introduce myself and say how excited I am to see everyone's auditions and how much I am looking forward to working with them all. Granted that's all true, but I am kind of in a grouchy mood because my leg hurts and I have to go be Ms. Mary Sunshine. Can someone just make a latex mask that looks like me and go pretend to be me? Can't I just stay in bed?
That comment actually probably makes no sense to my friends that I have been annoying on facebook chat the last couple of days because yesterday I wanted nothing more than to get out of bed and get out of the house. But now, all I want to do is sleep.
You never really think about how difficult it is to be forced to sleep in an unusual position. I'm forced to lie on my back with one leg propped about 12 inches in the air on a stack of pillows. I HATE sleeping on my back. I'm much more comfortable sleeping on my side, but that is more than a little out of the question.
My post-surgery doctor appointment is Wednesday. I am hoping I get the ok to not have to wear the compression bandage any more, at least when I'm sleeping. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
January 2nd, 2012 - Sleep
I fell asleep early last night. Yep. At about 8pm! Why? Because Amanda needed "mommy time."
Amanda is my youngest child. She is 4 1/2 years old. "Almost 5," she says. But the mommy time thing has been happening for about a year. When I am home and not working a show or running rehearsals, whenever she gets tired, she needs "mommy time." In other words, she wants mommy to lay down with her until she goes to sleep. Problem is, sometimes, mommy may not be ready to go to bed. And when I am not ready to go to bed because I have things to do, laying down with Amanda can be very detrimental. Because I fall asleep. Like last night. I wanted to write a blog last night. And to sleep I went instead.
So I'm writing 2 blog posts today. This one I have decided will be about sleep. Why? Because I never seem to get enough of it probably.
I get up at 6 am almost every day. This semester will probably be even earlier. (I have a class at 8:30.) I spend most of my days at school attending classes or meetings or homework or some combination of all three. When I'm on a stage management team, I then hit rehearsals. As the stage manager, I try to get there about 2 hours before rehearsal is set to start. I schedule my assistants for an hour before. Two hours gives me enough time to do paperwork, get my head in the game, and prep for the night. When my assistants arrive, they sweep and assist with set-up. Rehearsal runs until 10 or 11. Then there's the post-rehearsal paperwork before I can make the half hour drive home. So that means that I don't get to bed until after midnight usually. With that schedule repeated 6 days a week.
So sleep is something I don't get much. I dream of a day when I can get 8 hours on a regular basis. Maybe that will happen one day.
Amanda is my youngest child. She is 4 1/2 years old. "Almost 5," she says. But the mommy time thing has been happening for about a year. When I am home and not working a show or running rehearsals, whenever she gets tired, she needs "mommy time." In other words, she wants mommy to lay down with her until she goes to sleep. Problem is, sometimes, mommy may not be ready to go to bed. And when I am not ready to go to bed because I have things to do, laying down with Amanda can be very detrimental. Because I fall asleep. Like last night. I wanted to write a blog last night. And to sleep I went instead.
So I'm writing 2 blog posts today. This one I have decided will be about sleep. Why? Because I never seem to get enough of it probably.
I get up at 6 am almost every day. This semester will probably be even earlier. (I have a class at 8:30.) I spend most of my days at school attending classes or meetings or homework or some combination of all three. When I'm on a stage management team, I then hit rehearsals. As the stage manager, I try to get there about 2 hours before rehearsal is set to start. I schedule my assistants for an hour before. Two hours gives me enough time to do paperwork, get my head in the game, and prep for the night. When my assistants arrive, they sweep and assist with set-up. Rehearsal runs until 10 or 11. Then there's the post-rehearsal paperwork before I can make the half hour drive home. So that means that I don't get to bed until after midnight usually. With that schedule repeated 6 days a week.
So sleep is something I don't get much. I dream of a day when I can get 8 hours on a regular basis. Maybe that will happen one day.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Surgery
Ok, so aside from my introduction, here's my first real post. I am having surgery on Friday. Arthroscopic surgery on my left knee. I'm kind of freaked out. I've never had surgery before. Well, I guess really I have. I had oral surgery. They took a couple teeth out and I was eating semi-normally within a day.
This is different. I go to the surgical center at 8:30am. I'm supposed to be on the table by 10am. I'll be on the table about an hour before they are done with me and then I hit the recovery room. I truly don't have any idea how long it will be before I get home, only that it is an outpatient surgery so I will go home the same day. And I will not be able to drive myself home.
I am kind of freaked out. What is the surgery for? Well I have bone spurs on both of my knee caps and both of my femurs. They are going in and removing the bone spurs and smoothing out the cartilage in my knee. If it all goes well, I will probably have my other knee done in June. Why so long in between? Well, because I don't really have time to be incapacitated between February and June because of stage managing Assassins and Great Plains Theatre Conference.
Did I forget to mention that before? Yeah, I guess I did... I'm essentially the Production Stage Manager for the GPTC. What does that mean? Well, I oversee the stage managers for the evening performances for the conference. Now there are stage managers that need a lot of overseeing and there are stage managers that I don't worry about at all. Like Lara Marsh. (BTW, she needs a double lung transplant because of cystic fibrosis. Donate here: http://cotaforlaram.com/)
Ok, back to the previous discussion. Did I mention that I am freaked out over this surgery? Yeah... yeah, I did. I've had a headache for 3 days. I know about the procedure. I understand what they are doing. Yeah, I know it's not like it is heart surgery or something. Am I fond of anyone cutting my body open? No, not really. Nor am I really looking forward to the month or so of pain and recuperation that will follow.
In fact, I think freaked out is kind of a mild way of putting it.
This is different. I go to the surgical center at 8:30am. I'm supposed to be on the table by 10am. I'll be on the table about an hour before they are done with me and then I hit the recovery room. I truly don't have any idea how long it will be before I get home, only that it is an outpatient surgery so I will go home the same day. And I will not be able to drive myself home.
I am kind of freaked out. What is the surgery for? Well I have bone spurs on both of my knee caps and both of my femurs. They are going in and removing the bone spurs and smoothing out the cartilage in my knee. If it all goes well, I will probably have my other knee done in June. Why so long in between? Well, because I don't really have time to be incapacitated between February and June because of stage managing Assassins and Great Plains Theatre Conference.
Did I forget to mention that before? Yeah, I guess I did... I'm essentially the Production Stage Manager for the GPTC. What does that mean? Well, I oversee the stage managers for the evening performances for the conference. Now there are stage managers that need a lot of overseeing and there are stage managers that I don't worry about at all. Like Lara Marsh. (BTW, she needs a double lung transplant because of cystic fibrosis. Donate here: http://cotaforlaram.com/)
Ok, back to the previous discussion. Did I mention that I am freaked out over this surgery? Yeah... yeah, I did. I've had a headache for 3 days. I know about the procedure. I understand what they are doing. Yeah, I know it's not like it is heart surgery or something. Am I fond of anyone cutting my body open? No, not really. Nor am I really looking forward to the month or so of pain and recuperation that will follow.
In fact, I think freaked out is kind of a mild way of putting it.
Introduction to me
Well, here goes... New blog. What is it about? Well, whatever comes to my mind I suppose. One of my life goals is to write more so I'm starting here. Will it turn into a book? I doubt it but, hey, you never know.
SOOOO, me. I'm 34 this New Years' Day. I'm married. I've got half a dozen biological kids. I raised 4 in addition to those. I honestly don't think I'm a good wife or mother. Everyone tries to reassure me that I'm fine but seriously. I hate cleaning. Occasionally I enjoy cooking but it's not high on my list of priorities. My kids drive me bananas. I hate to hear them fighting. I am not the June Cleaver type. And I can't say that I want to be.
I am also a full time college student. At least until the first week of May. I am due to graduate with my bachelor's degree in technical theatre. I am a stage manager but I work some other technical positions as well. I work in lighting, stagecraft, sound, you name it. I will be stage managing the production of Assassins at my undergrad, UNO, this spring.
I work far too much, far too often, for far too little monetary compensation. I love what I do. The person to person compensation far exceeds it. I can read people's body language fairly effectively and I mother everyone. This drives my husband nuts.
I am selfish and a bitch. And I know it. I bite my tongue most of the time, something that my instructors are thanking their lucky stars over. Get a drink or 2 in me and you are more likely to hear what you don't want to know. Do I drink a lot? No not really. I think about drinking more than I actually drink. I recently told a friend, I think I'd be an alcoholic if I actually had the guts to drink more often than I do. Instead, I stress out, chew my fingernails, get very little sleep and wish I wasn't so responsible. Because if I'm really honest, I don't drink more often simply because I know that there are things that I have to do the next day and I can't afford to be hungover or even worse, still drunk.
I will be attempting to get a few things off my bucket list this year so you'll be privy to those if you hang around. There's things like taking pictures and getting into grad school. The grad school one is already upon us. I sent my grad apps out last week. Now I'm in the waiting period. I was told that I should hear from the schools in three weeks. I have applied to UCIrvine and Columbia University in NYC. Which is my top choice? I really couldn't tell you. Used to be UCIrvine but I got to visit Columbia University and I fell in love with NYC.
I'll be including things I've read. What I love. What I hate. Pictures. Important events in my life. My day to day schedule and routine. All the boring things and the happy exciting things that make up my life.
SOOOO, me. I'm 34 this New Years' Day. I'm married. I've got half a dozen biological kids. I raised 4 in addition to those. I honestly don't think I'm a good wife or mother. Everyone tries to reassure me that I'm fine but seriously. I hate cleaning. Occasionally I enjoy cooking but it's not high on my list of priorities. My kids drive me bananas. I hate to hear them fighting. I am not the June Cleaver type. And I can't say that I want to be.
I am also a full time college student. At least until the first week of May. I am due to graduate with my bachelor's degree in technical theatre. I am a stage manager but I work some other technical positions as well. I work in lighting, stagecraft, sound, you name it. I will be stage managing the production of Assassins at my undergrad, UNO, this spring.
I work far too much, far too often, for far too little monetary compensation. I love what I do. The person to person compensation far exceeds it. I can read people's body language fairly effectively and I mother everyone. This drives my husband nuts.
I am selfish and a bitch. And I know it. I bite my tongue most of the time, something that my instructors are thanking their lucky stars over. Get a drink or 2 in me and you are more likely to hear what you don't want to know. Do I drink a lot? No not really. I think about drinking more than I actually drink. I recently told a friend, I think I'd be an alcoholic if I actually had the guts to drink more often than I do. Instead, I stress out, chew my fingernails, get very little sleep and wish I wasn't so responsible. Because if I'm really honest, I don't drink more often simply because I know that there are things that I have to do the next day and I can't afford to be hungover or even worse, still drunk.
I will be attempting to get a few things off my bucket list this year so you'll be privy to those if you hang around. There's things like taking pictures and getting into grad school. The grad school one is already upon us. I sent my grad apps out last week. Now I'm in the waiting period. I was told that I should hear from the schools in three weeks. I have applied to UCIrvine and Columbia University in NYC. Which is my top choice? I really couldn't tell you. Used to be UCIrvine but I got to visit Columbia University and I fell in love with NYC.
I'll be including things I've read. What I love. What I hate. Pictures. Important events in my life. My day to day schedule and routine. All the boring things and the happy exciting things that make up my life.
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